Within

Cocooning in the shell of life has become an old habit, a habit which I have always enjoyed. I would rather like to listen to someone talking rather than me speaking. At times I feel so frustrated with myself that I have but a very little thing to say. When I meet my friends they would be doing 90 % of the talking stuff and I would be just adding to it. They would stare at me at times and say “you have nothing to say on this matter?”  And I would just grin. I never remember myself talking a lot; I would love to sit at the corner and do my stuff. “You are one hell boring person.” My childhood friend once said. I just grinned when she added again “but I love your presence though you are boring.”

Socializing with people has always been the toughest subject in my life. At times I was accused of being khamza (someone who is full of pride and ego) and I had to run to my house and ask my mother whether I am that person with teary eyes. She would smile and say” you talk very less and that is why they think like that.”  I try to talk with people, I try to socialize but somehow it fails. Even in my face book account I would be offline 90 % because I have nothing to chat about, opening up easily with people has always been the task   unaccomplished and it is only when someone gets closer to me that I can fully open up but it happens very rarely. One day when I was talking with one of my friend he said “did you come here just to stare at me, aren’t you going to say something. I am not going to talk now, you talk.” I was never a speaker and sometime I fail to say even the important thing that I have to say.

So I would write and text it but at times people believe what they hear not what you write. That is when I breakdown and realized my incapability to convince the other person. People find me strong, they would say “you are strong girl, not everyone does like that “but only close ones knows how fragile I am.  Yes I do speak less but I feel equally, I am also a person after all. Many a times I had to say “I am not a human being, I don’t feel any pain.”  I don’t expect all people to understand me but I just wish if the people that I care would dare to understand at least.

Being brought up under the care of parents and sibling and friends where they understand me and even if i speak less they know what i am  doing and thinking somehow. Life has just begun to show its true face, I had been living behind the façade of life and I wonder how many times I have to breakdown to go through this life. I remember saying to mother when I was in my primary days “you should have given birth to me 10 years earlier so that I would be grown up by now.” And I wish I could take those words and say “I wish ama   if you have given birth to me 10 years later because growing up scares me and I am literally shaken. I don’t want to grow up.”  Life brings us with all those things and I believe it is our choice to  filter it. Though I may not be that socializing, thought people accuse me at times of being khamza, I know people who care about me genuinely will never let go off me and I want to thank all those who stood by my side till now. My family and friends thank you very much and i do care and love you all genuinely.

Am I supposed to be happy?

My day started as usual with an alarm beeping indicating that it was 7 in the morning. With half sleep I strolled to washroom with a tooth paste in one hand and face wash and soap in other hand. The only thought I had was “should I bunk 1^st period” as I had to compensate for the late night stay. I shook that idea out of my mind as I had been bunking classes lately and I was scared if it becomes my habit. After offering water and praying in my small alter that I had made above my book shelves, my roommate and I strolled to kitchen sluggishly thinking food won’t be any better than the other days. As we were eating breakfast one of my friends from electrical department slapped on my back and said “congratulation you have been selected in Italy”  I gave her a long starry look and looked back at my roommate and said” did you choose Italy for me.” she shook her hand as a gesture of no. “I didn’t apply for Italy.” I said and she told me that she might have made mistake with someone else. I congratulated my electrical friend as she has been selected for the exchange program in Germany and my roommate and I sprint to room to check the result. On the way we had thousand of question popping out.

“Are you sure that you didn’t write Italy?” I asked my room mate.

“I didn’t there was no civil engineering program in the university mentioned.”

“But how come I got selected there, what if they had made mistake, what was the name of the university that you have mentioned in my curriculum vitae?”

“I don’t remember.”

I didn’t want to apply for the exchange program due to so many excuses until the deadline has approached and I realized it was now or never.  We had to do application process and all in that very last day that we didn’t remember the university we have chosen.

We scrolled down the home page for the clink program and clicked on the result for the selected candidate and there was my name and it was not in Italy. It was the one that we had applied unknowingly. My roommate gave me a big smile but I didn’t feel anything. I was not even happy like the way I was when she got selected a month ago. I guess I was not expecting for the positive response that it took me few days to actually believe it. I remembered that quote from robin Sharma’s book “the path has no value when you have reached it.” The things which we crave a lot does not actually turn out the way we want when we actually seize it and I was contented for that exchange program I got selected  but  seems like life is a never ending process of questionnaire as I saw myself asking lots of question. So for a time being I have decided to be happy and I want to thank my roommate without which this won’t have happened.

With finger crossed I hope everything will turn out good and for the very first time I will be going away all alone and I want to experience this very adventurous days because life is too short to be clinging on to the safer shore.

The acceptance

They sat there gazing at the clear night sky with a heavy load enveloped within, a cry of unhappiness running down their spine. They could wish nothing but to cherish that moment today because they knew that life is a series of moment and to miss that moment means missing a part of their life. During their short period of togetherness they have learned things that they would not have learned without each other company. They learned about friendship, love, compromises, trust, pain and above all they walked the miles together until they reached the junction of their life where they were bestowed with separate path.

Filled with the aura of awkwardness they could speak but only little. So many things has happened over the years of separation which was beyond the description of word, they didn’t know what had happened , they didn’t know how it had happened and they didn’t know why they had let it happen. If something is broken it could be fixed but when they didn’t know what was broken how can they fix.

He looked at her with the tender gesture of kindness and smiling conveying her that he was happy to be here tonight. She smiled back but it failed to depict the warmth of smile. She looked away unable to meet his gaze, trying to stare at the nothingness before her. As the night grew older they talked only about the things in their favor, the things that made them happy. The two soul hail from the different realm that there is world of difference between them but they felt happy that they stood by each other when they were in need.  Atleast she felt that way.

They would debate about gender, family, marriage, love, social life and even about lighting the candle and it’s under lying meaning.  Both would stand firmly on their views, not being able to convince one another.  One would eventually declare oneself as the winner and the other would laugh and would say if winning makes you happy then you take the tiara. But not tonight, they had so many things to say but were reluctant. Both were scared that if they say something wrong they would hurt each other.  Somehow the comfort zone they had felt in each other’s company seemed to have evaporated. They were two souls sitting on the same lawn; existing in different hemisphere. They could feel the changes like they had debated years ago. “We can come back to the same junction but it would never be same.” She had said with justification unable to convince him at a go.

Something has happened but what? They knew the answer now but were scared to accept. It was beyond the power of healing; the wounds were so deep. There was nothing left to hold on, hope has vanished leaving behind only the emptiness.They had walked very far away from the junction that coming back seemed like a  dream forgotten.  As the time rolled on, the time to say final adieu approached. She faced him now, looked straight into his eyes and clasped his hand.

“I was scared that you would do something to hurt yourself because of what happened. I am relieved now because I know that you are happy. And I want you to be happy forever and always. They say that the true joy in life appears once it is shared with the one you love, so may you find joy with what the new life has brought for you.” She said.

He cupped her face in his hand and looked into her eyes and said” Don’t worry about me; you should take care of yourself. Don’t take life so seriously, do enjoy it.”

She laughed as their difference started to appear again and she said “ I can’t take life lightly.”

“forgot about our difference” he said. They knew that their differences and that failure to accept each other’s difference have leaded them to take separate path. They have learnt that accepting the difference of individuality is also very important in life but that lesson came with the cost.
 They bid farewell knowing that may be they will never meet again and with heavy heart they continued the journey of their solitude.

Nature versus me

Ever since I was a kid I was never a big fan of nature. When my friends  joined nature club I would be engaged in literary activities, when my friends would be busy making flower gardens, I will be busy reading fiction books and when they will be rejoicing the beauty of the nature I would be lost in my world of fantasy.   Nature could never draw my attention and the terms like global warming, green house effect, glacier lake outburst etc where purely academic for me. There wasn’t a spiritual connection between me and nature.   So when I have to participate in essay competition and have to prepare speeches, I either wrote or spoke about this phenomenon just for the sake of competition. I just followed the simple rule: I do not dump my waste improperly and I do not pick the waste dumped by other.

Until recently things has started to change. As usual my environmental science tutor was lecturing about the waste management and its effect.  He asked us to do the presentation on that topic the next day.  Since I was quite lazy to prepare all the presentation on the topic municipal waste, we divided the portions among the group member. I had to do on the preventive measures.  I browsed net and jotted down few points. I didn’t even practice the presentation and dozed off. As usual the presentation started and my turn came. I always loved presentation so I started explaining my points that I have copied from net with my hand movements which I can’t avoid.

      1.      Do not over order your food when visiting restaurant.

      2.      Make a list while going for shopping

      3.      Utilizing one’s own personal plastic or refusing plastics.

      4.      Know you capacity.

After that presentation, whenever I go to mess, restaurant ,picnic, shopping  etc  when I fail to follow what I have said  during my presentation ,my friends would tease me saying that I am not sticking to what I have said. I told them a couple of times that it was just for the sake of presentation.  They would not leave me alone sadly and then I thought why can’t I try what I have presented. So I started practicing starting from knowing my capacity to ordering food in the restaurant. Now whenever I go to town I carry my hand bag which is big enough to put my stuffs and when I refuse plastic from shop keepers they thank me and I felt happy. I am still working on making list while going for shopping.  By doing such things I felt a spiritual connection as if I have finally come home.

Somehow I learned from my tutor and presentation by my friends that whatever I have learned so far is not just for the academic or competition purpose. Global warming, green house effect, solid waste problem are out there and we have to act now or it will be too late. It’s not just the organization or government who are solely responsible to tackle such issues. All of us as an individual are responsible and we need to take part in our own small way in resolving such issues. I have already taken up my role though not intentionally in the beginning. I am learning ways to work on in my small way to save this mother earth. And I hope you would figure out your own way.