down the memory lane

Life is a series of memories which makes us both laugh and cry. We never know what is going to happen next but we can always cherish those beautiful memories. My father was an army so we use to reside in Dechencholing army camp in Thimphu. My two best friend’s ( Sangay Wangmo and Sonam Dekar ) father was also army and our houses were nearby.  Our routine will be almost same. S.Dekar was my next door neighbor and we use to do almost all things together like doing dishes outside in the sun, preparing curry for lunch, washing clothes etc.

 Sangay was very fond of swimming back then, she knows most of the swimming style and she would demonstrate to me when I accompany her to the swimming. There was not a swimming pool stadium in Dechencholing nor did we have the privilege to visit the only swimming pool in Thimphu town. So our only option was to swim in the river few meters away from our residential.  Most of the time S.dekar mother‘s won’t allow her to go with us because of the fear that we would be washed away and she use to warn us not to go. But we were not obedient kid back then; leaving S.dekar behind two of us would go for swimming.  I never had the skill to swim so most of the time I use to land up watching Sangay doing various style of swimming which I remember none now. That was one mischievous thing we use to do often; thank god we were not washed away by that river.

Somehow I picture the character of three idiots Rancho, Farah and Raju in three of us.  Sangay use to give all the ideas both mischievous and the good one and I use to listen to her every plan full of excitement  while S.dekar  would be torn in two parts; scared of mother to do mischievous things and the excitement to join our plan.  Most of the time she will be left out of our plan but we would narrate the whole event later.

Another mischievous thing we use to do was to steal apple from other orchard during apple season. This was usually done during Saturdays so right after we were done with our social work, three of us would meet and leave for our destiny. Sonam will be the one holding the bag since she would be too scared to plug the apples. She would be shivering out of fear even when Sangay and I would be the one doing that. She would look around and tell us to hurry. Once our small bag is full we would silently leave the apple orchard and distribute equally among us once we are far away from the orchard.  We did it once or twice and it was not something we were proud of. Thinking about this things we use to laugh till tears comes out our eyes when we meet now a days.

 Our parent does not give us lump sum of money back then when we were in primary.  Yet we would get everything at a cheaper rate. At the maximum my mother uses to give me Nu. 5. We would buy datsi gurum which is only Nu. 1 and I have not seen these sweets nowadays.  Pappad and aludum both Nu. 1 which we usually eat when we return back home.

 Since sonam has to accompany her sister I use to go with Sangay to school. My father never allowed me to watch movies and series because of the only notion that these things would spoil me. Back then television were rare and only few people would own it. Sangay’s family didn’t have any kind of restriction so she use to watch almost all the bolly wood movies and series. My favorite hero was Sunil shetty back then but  I don’t remember now why he was my favorite hero. The popular TV series were Kasauti and KKusum.  So whenever she watches those movies and series she would narrate me the whole event on the way to school. I use to curse my father a lot for not allowing me to watch those television shows. We use to buy post card of those heroes which was Nu. 1 for each. 

Later when magic pencil series came, we would be talking about things we would do if we had that magic pencil. We would pray to god to grant us with that magic pencil. Somehow we really thought that magic pencil existed.  On the way back home there use to be a wall which we passes by. Sangay and I use to imagine that one as the cake factory and talk about all those cake we would eat if it was real. Sometime we even pray to god to throw us a packet of 500 notes …haha those wish never came true yet we use to feel happy imagining having those things. Having magic pencil, owning lots of bolly wood actors’ postcard, eating those delicious cakes, thinking about those things we would buy if we have that packet of 500 notes.  We would be so excited talking about such things as if we have owned it.

Though we were kid we use to help parents in our small way. Especially during winter we use to go for fire wood collection. Sangay and Sonam were very strong they would carry a sack of firewood. I would carry very less compared to them. That was the reason my mother didn’t allow me to go for fire wood collection later. She taught me how to weave kiras and other stuff instead.

 Those were some beautiful memories I have of my days in primary classes. Life was really simple, our desires were funny and stupid yet our life was beautiful. Sometime when I think about those moments I just wish if I can turn back the clock. And today when we meet which happens very rare since we had to leave to different places for our studies, we use to laugh talking about those moments and compare our life. How life has unfolded and how we had to endure things we never thought of. We become sad talking about those unaccomplished dreams, broken heart, broken family, and how we got separated for the sake of our profession. Yet we were always there for each other all through the thick and thin of our life.  

fear

There was always something in my life which drew my attention or interest. These things would keep me engaged and helps me to forget things which prick me. Somehow I use to escape from the things which I was not prepared to accept. But not lately, I want to engage myself in some work but there seems to be no interest. No matter how hard I try I land up doing nothing.  I feel lethargic and emptiness crawls inside me. I just sit in my room trying to sleep or trying to read something but I find no joy in it. I never felt like this before. I was either sad or happy or normal but not feeling less. I wonder why?

Since I have one and half month vacation before I leave for my exchange program in Latvia, my mother asked me to give tuition to my friend’s sister. I thought it was the best way to kill my boredom and enthusiastically I agreed. I always wanted to become a teacher and teaching use to give me immense pleasure. I had given tuition before also and I never remember becoming bored in the middle of teaching.  But I don’t know, I use to teach them for three hours in the morning and in the middle i don’t feel like teaching. I ask my students whether they are bored or not. They would tell me that they really understand my teaching and that they want to learn everything before I leave. This should have boosted up my energy in teaching them but I feel worn out and tired. There seems to be no genuine interest and for the first time I felt like I am teaching them just because my mother asked me to teach them. My mother was always concerned about those students appearing for class 10 board examination. If one does not qualify for the government school in 11^th grade, parents does not have any choice but to put them in private school.  It is difficult for those parents who are not financially sound.  Giving extra coaching at home sometimes helps the student to qualify for the government school. I just hope I gain back my interest and at least lend a helping hand for my friend’s family in my small way.

I don’t have a reason to be sad or anything to worry about. Due to my weakness my mother does not let me do anything other than daily house hold chores. I am already under medication and every one at home takes care of me as if I am sick. I have just lost weight during my stay in CST due to unavoidable academic pressure and other stress. There is nothing to be worried about yet I feel like something is draining out of me slowly. I don’t feel like talking, I don’t feel like visiting friends or going anywhere.  Even if I go to visit friends I started feeling bored which is so unlike of me. Things which bring joy before; now makes me feel tired and weary. I wonder what is really happening to me. It has been days now and I have started to worry just like everyone at home when they see me in absolute silence or when I retreat myself in my room whole day alone. It is as if like I have given up on the outside world or maybe I am too comfortable in my little world but then why am I fearing?

Silence

As I sat there building castle in the air, my friend walked into my room unannounced.  She looked at me but didn’t utter a word and sat beside me. She looked tired as if she has just returned from the long fought battle and her rueful expression indicated that the outcome was not in her favor.  She took a deep breath and said “Can I sleep on your lap?” The atmosphere in the room got tense and I wondered what was going inside that sunken tired person. I nodded and she placed her head on my lap. I didn’t have the guts to ask her any question since she seemed too fragile to answer any queries. She closed her eyes and I sat there staring at her. “Are you all right dear?” I uttered at last since my head was at the verge of explosion with questions.” Shhhh no question please” She pleaded. I pat her head and then hugged her. Tears trickled down her pale face and deep down I knew that she is still feeling that chill she is not suppose to feel. She squeezed my hand and was struggling to sleep but in vain. After sometime she lifted her head with cries engraved in her throat and ran to the bathroom. I followed her but she slammed the door. I stood there petrified. After a while she came out with her face washed, gave me a weak smile and said” I aint crying anymore.”