Mental health well being

When I heard about mental health well-being a few years back, I often wondered what that meant. Perhaps people who do not go through this phase may not understand or empathize with those suffering from it.  I am not saying that I have been diagnosed with such things, or I am not even sure whether I am suffering from a mental health problem. But am I experiencing depreciation in my mental health and well-being? And for that, I would perhaps say maybe.

I have always strived to do my best, whether at work or with family. I have always strived to build my capacity to the point that sometimes it is exhausting to feel the emptiness and incompetence no matter how hard I try. Sometimes, I go after a wild goose chase, which has affected me in unknown ways. 

I felt I needed to do something to pick up myself from this dreading feeling of not knowing what I was feeling. My thoughts are clouded, my actions erratic, and there is a feeling of development of indifference, which is also kind of scary.

So, I am now taking a step back to myself and doing what I used to love. I used to be in love with poetry and blogging so, taking one step at a time to learn to express myself again. To give voice to my inner thoughts and not stay silent on matters that affect me.  I am starting to write again  and I have a big goal in mind which will be known to all in due course of time.

Silent is not the answer

Do you ever come across a moment in life where you thought I should have said that, a pang of regret of not saying that out loud? It is quite understandable that, for a person who does not speak or socialize that much, expressing can be sometimes difficult. You have to think a lot before you raise a voice. I have an introverted personality but I have raised my voice when I feel like certain things are not impacting us in the right way. A Senior gave me a vengeful eye and even said I am a dangerous person. While the positive comments received from other colleagues faded away with time, that one comment still lingers on my mind. The age-old practice of always being a yes man or yes woman is not always a good solution. If you know that it is harming you and your surroundings,speak out. Maybe you will be the black sheep but I believe that if it brings positive changes, being that one is not a bad thing.

Fate

Do you believe in fate? What is it actually? Have you ever wondered? Perhaps fate is interpreted differently by different people. From a small age itself I heard people saying that whatever happens will happen as per individual’s fate. Is it not scary? Is it ok to leave everything to fate? Is it even possible that everything happens as per fate and we don’t have any control over it? What if something goes wrong and you leave it to fate rather than working on it?  I don’t deny that i don’t believe in fate. But i don’t want to leave everything to it. Only when I run out of all the options then may be, perhaps a point when i have utterly given up.

I always believe that it is one's choice that determines the destiny. I don’t wait for something to pop out of nowhere and suddenly bring prosperity in my life. Through hard work, determination and consistent, we can achieve the level of satisfaction we desire. I have always believed on that principle and I have achieved it. I do not go after success nor is fame, all I want at the end of the day to sleep peacefully knowing that I have done something good. Personal satisfaction is what i want the most.

Fate and choice, it is pretty confusing at times. What I have written might be also some rotten stuff but like I said earlier, I do not write to gain fame or attract reader. I write because I want to spill out all those confusion and things that bother me. Perhaps it is fate or choice

Expressing

Do you ever come across a moment in life where you have so many things to express but can't find right words? To put it other way round, do you find it difficult to even construct a good sentence? I have been struggling with writing for quite a long time now. I have stopped blogging after I joined service. In addition to that I have read only about five books in these four years of my career. An engineering career is definitely not a piece of cake but I wasn't determined to read and explore. Someone said that a busy person will always find time, maybe I was making excuses all along. I have realized that if not now, I will never be able to live up to my own expectation. My future self is not going to be happy with me.

Therefore from now onward I pledge to read every day even if it is a page and I will invest on books too.  In addition to that i will update my blog  at least once in a month.

Three PhD

In the year 2017 when I was looking after a site for the construction of maternal child health I came across an interesting man who told me about the three PhD. He said that most people working in the remote places have the privilege to do two PhD and if lucky enough three PhD. I didn’t agree with him at the beginning. Getting just one PhD will be a dream come true for most of us, if not most, definitely for me.

He said that first PhD is the normal PhD those ambitious people pursue. I nodded in agreement. If you are complacent, pursuing PhD will just be a dream. I have always admired those who have walked those stairs and wondered how wonderful and challenging the journey might have been.

He then went on to describe second PhD. When you are placed in the remote place and there isn’t much opportunity for you to grow. You tend to practice the same thing, chewing the same gum again and again. Life becomes boring and you start to seek solace in other practices. You start drinking and become complacent such that it starts to damage your head. Sometimes it becomes too severe. That time you get your second PhD (Permanent Head Damage). I gave a hearty laugh thinking it actually might be true.

Now I was curious and excited about the third PhD and he went on. Now your head is damaged and you are aging. The retirement years keeps on approaching and you have not prepared for your retirement life. You start to worry and apply for home transfer. After getting home transfer, you start to invest your time and money in building home for retirement life. On the other hand you cannot focus much on your career. That time you will get your third PhD (Personal home development).

I laughed and told him that everyone does PhD gradually ……He nodded in agreement.

P.s This story is written just for fun and  not to offend anyone.

Journey of my Career

“What is your ambition?” perhaps this is the question asked to every student when we were in primary school. Whenever a new teacher comes to the class they will ask us to introduce and tell our ambition. I guess I was in class 2 when that question was asked for the first time. Well I don’t remember clearly who the teacher was though. Back then most of us only knew three professions namely doctor, engineer and teacher. About three fourth of the class would want to become teacher including me. I only wanted to become teacher that time because I would see my teacher eating snacks in front of us in the class and I thought being a teacher you can get all delicious snacks to eat…well only one or two teacher did like that …sorry to those who felt offended.

 

So what I was saying was as I got upgraded my profession kept on changing. When I was in grade 9 or 10, I wanted to become Doctor Pathologist particularly. May be that was because CID an Indian series was famous that time and I use to see doctors examining dead bodies and trying to determine the cause of death. I thought being a pathologist I will get to work in lab without having to interact with people which I use to hate.  I found all those experiments done to diagnose very attractive. Even biology was easy up to grade 10 that I thought I can actually become a doctor after being a subject topper. But then that dream was soon broken when I saw thick biology text book for class XI and XII. Forget about becoming a doctor, I even skipped my trial biology exam and my biology teacher started calling me neurosis… Almost everyone I knew didn’t expect that from me. Later they told me that I was very bold, which I had to be because I had not prepared for exam and I was sure I will fail.

So that was the end of becoming a doctor and then suddenly I wanted to become Software Engineer.  That was because some people told me that we will get very good salary and will always be placed in urban areas.  So I thought why not become a software Engineer. But then that dream was also broken when I didn’t see Software Engineer slot on the scholarship list. Being from a middle class family, my parents won’t be able to send me privately and that day only did I realize the difference between rich and poor. Rich kids no matter how bad they perform in the exam, can always purse their dream unlike me.

So at the end I decided to go for teaching profession. My friends use to say that I can become a very good teacher if I become one. I don’t know how far that is true…they might have said that may be because I did like teaching them. So I thought I will pursue Honors in Physics. I have always loved physics…forces, loads, friction everything about physics use to be beautiful. Unlike biology my love for physics never deteriorated.  But then that too I could not pursue because my family wanted me to become Engineer.   So somehow I landed up being a Civil Engineer finally.

But then if physics was a kid, civil Engineer would be his other family member. Civil Engineering is the higher version of Physics. I don’t know how to describe ….very few vocabulary..what to do technical students aren’t good in English…..I didn’t say that, one of my lecturer did but I don’t know how true it is for other but it seems to be true in my case.  I have started to love this profession as I graduated gradually. And today after 8 month practicing engineering, this field still amazes me…. 

Some people feel pity on me when I return from the site with a big file on one hand and my hand bag filled with 5 m measurement tape, 30 m measurement tape, a note pad, pen, charger, headphone …you can find almost everything in my hand bag except cosmetics. They use to tell that a girl should not be a civil engineer…handling site is not meant for girls. I give them a very big grin and say” it is not that bad like you imagine, I actually enjoy being at site rather than staring at the computer screen whole day”.

Until next time take care and thank you for going through.

Khekpa or is it head hunter?

From my early childhood days itself, I use to hear people scaring their little ones by saying about khekpa.  How they kidnap you and then feed you good food and then put you in between walls to die. I don’t know how far it is true but to make it more realistic elders use to narrate stories about them. Well now when parents are narrating story as their supporting document how can we deny about it. So I always had that fear at the back of my mind and even now when I am adult I still get frightened when I hear about it.

 In the recent times there were rumours about khekpa in Nganglam.  I don’t know why but whenever there is some problem in some place I somehow reach that place.  It so happened that I actually chose to go to Nganglam for PHCB. Despite of piles of work in the office, I thought why not roam in Nganglam for few days. Of course more than roaming it was tiring like hell. During that time there were  rumors’ of khekpa. It  didn’t scare me while I was in Pema Gatshel. But there was air of fear among the people living in Nganglam. All of them were scared of Khekpa and were also narrating few incidents. I don’t know how far it was true but it was successful in making me scared.

  In Nganglam I stayed at my friend’s sister’s place. Everyone was sound asleep when I heard some whispers followed by flickering light from outside. When I checked my cell phone it was one something am.  My heart was beating so fast and I thought that’s the end. That’s how we die.  I slowly woke up my friends who was sleeping next to me and told her that there were khekpa around. I imagined how one of them will climb the house and the rest will surround it .Then the one who climbs will open the door and then will kidnap.  This was how people there narrated to us. And I felt as if someone had climbed. I actually forgot at that moment that there were actually six people at home not alone as in the story narrated. My friend was also scared and called her brother in law. In the mean time I called my two other friends sleeping in other room. But they didn’t pick up. When brother in law went to check I woke up and tried to put on the light. But my friend forbade me saying khekpa will see us. I tried to follow her brother in law but my friend was scared to death that she didn’t even let me. There was complete silent for what seemed like forever. I imagined how kidnapper has kidnapped her brother in law and oh god… that was scary. After sometime her brother in law said that they weren’t khekpa but people who were doing patrolling at night since the rumors’ of khekpa. Both of them slept but can’t say whether peacefully or not but I stayed awake for a long time. Even a tinge of noise would wake me up and to these days still if I am alone. The scary night did make us laugh a lot next day.