The confession

 As i stare at nothingness in front of me, a feeling of emptiness started to crawl into my soul longing for someone whom I have not met for years. It is not the first time I have felt those emptiness but every time I feel, I fall victim to it. I could not do anything to erase those feelings. May be sometime it is better to let the time heal. But I know that it will take a very long time since I have problem of letting go. Or maybe I never let anyone go.  Will he forgive me if I go back to that place?  The question lingers in my mind. I stare at his photo in one of social network and wondered why after all this years he called me and suddenly told me that he is getting married. Is it because there is still hope for us to get together or is it something else. I shut down my lap top and tried to drive his thought away, but the harder I tried the longer it persisted.

I took the first flight next day and by afternoon I was back to where it all started.

 I met my friend Tshomo who as soon as she saw me blurted out questions.

”So did you marry?”

“I did not find a perfect man, someone who deserves me.” I said somewhat in a joking manner.

“No one deserves you and there is not anyone. All the good man are married and left one are either widow or divorced one.” she said sadly.

“I should go for one of them then what you think?”

“Yes you should!!” she encouraged me.

Marriages and love was something which I have been running away from. These feelings gave nothing but the feeling of sadness and pain. And I knew better than anyone that I cannot endure such pain.

“By the way would you mind to tell me what actually happened between you and Phuntsho way back in college?” she questioned me.

Phuntsho was a guy whom I have known just for few months and before I knew what I was actually doing; I knew that I was somehow drawn to him and I didn’t want it to happen. I felt insecure about the whole lot feeling stuff.

“You already know the answer.”

“I know but I think; now that I have missed something.”

“You did not miss anything tshomo. “

“You swear?”

She put me in an absurd situation. And I did not know what to say because I did not want to tell her that I have been selfish all along.

“I don’t and forget about it now. As you know …”she cut me off of what I was going to tell her.

“Just tell me in detail.”She said sternly.

“Ok Phuntsho and I were just friends but I somehow knew  that things will never work out between us I mean more than friendship.”

“But you two liked each other right?”

“I cannot say that I liked him. I was never sure of how I felt for him.”

“You were sure and that is why you did that thing. You were scared to confess your feelings because you cared about your image more than anything else.” She blurted out.

It took me a couple of minute to absorb the things and I knew that she was partially right.

 “May be you are right but more than image I cared about my education, a simple thing.”

“Or if you put it other way  why don’t you say that you were scared to fall for him since you never trusted a guy before and it was just to get away from him. “She ejaculated.

“I know you are right more than anything I was scared of falling for him, marrying him because these things seemed not necessary that time.  I was also scared to deny the fact that I actually like him but I neglected it because I had seen enough of broken loves, marriages and families just like mine and I didn’t want to be one of the victim.”

“Why don’t you get it that it will not be same for everyone.”

“Yes I do tshomo but only for those few lucky ones just few not all.”

“Then ok why did you come back?”

I had hard time answering her and finally I said “I don’t know…..”

She didn’t say anything and after some time l left home. I shuffled through my old drawer and found his greeting card for our friend ship day. I stared at the greeting card and thought isn’t there nothing more than friendship between us but the answer was obvious there wasn’t anything more than friendship at least from his side. Or am I wrong?

It was July, three years back.  I called him and told him that I wanted to meet him and he agreed. I waited for him in one of the restaurant and he came. He grinned when he saw me and I smiled back.

 He congratulated on my graduation and asked me whether I was appearing for the RCSC exam or joining project and he suggested me that I should join the corporation where he was working.

“If you join we can be neighbor and as said before I will come to your place for dinner.” he said laughing.

“But I am a bad cook and I guess it will be other way round.”I said.

“Does not matter as long as you are near me I will do whatever that makes you happy.” 

I didn’t say anything I just smiled and after taking a deep breath I said”I am leaving for masters.”

He gave a hearty laugh and said” are you pulling my leg? Why so early?”

“ I just want to study for few more years.”

His face grew somber and I knew that he wasn’t happy. He looked away and didn’t face me and said” you are so unpredictable and any ways congratulation. I am happy for you.”

“I wanted to tell you earlier but I didn’t have the guts and now I have no other option but tell you and I hope you understand. You are my friend.”I sounded like a little kid that time.

“Yangchen you never understood me. Why don’t you understand that there is more than….” After saying that he trailed off

I knew what he wanted to tell but I ignored what I knew and felt because nothing seem important than my education that time.

I left after few days to pursue my education. He neither called me nor emailed me. I knew that like any other boy he would also forget me eventually. And I felt that I have done the right thing because true love does not exist in real world. And no one will have the patience to wait for someone for 3 years.

Every day I would check my email just to see whether he had replied my email but he did not and I felt that I was wrong all the way. He never did feel what I felt for him. I stopped sending him mails after that and never had I heard from him until few days back in college. I was going to apply for a job in states itself and when I heard his voice that day I wanted to see him for the very last time. He called me to tell me that he was getting married.

I searched for his present address and went to his place the next day. I knocked on the door since the door bell wasn’t working properly. I tried again and a woman opened the door. Is he married? I heard my inner voice. The woman stared at me.

I gathered my guts and asked her “is this Phuntsho’s place?”

At that time Phuntsho appeared from the corridor carrying a laptop bag. He looked at me surprised. I didn’t know what to do.

“Can I talk with you?”I finally asked.

He did not say anything and I left the place. He followed me and we went to a quiet place.

“I am sorry for appearing all of a sudden. It is insane and absurd of me. I just hope your wife won’t scold you later on.”

He did not say anything and the awkwardness seemed to deepen between us.

“How have you been?”I asked.

“Why did you come back?” he asked me back.

“I wanted to see you I mean it is absurd but when you told me that you are going to marry, I felt like I was losing something important. And I didn’t want it to lose but it seems like I have already lost.”I ejaculated.

“I guess I have to go and let us meet tomorrow evening same time and same restaurant.” after saying that he left.

I sat there like an idiot; I didn’t know what to say because I was so confused. But before I could ask him he left. Same restaurant and same time what is he talking about.  I was back home and I called my friend tshomo to discuss what Phuntsho was actually talking about. I realized that he wanted to meet me in the same restaurant where I told him about my departure.

“That means he is going to introduce me to his wife and make me feel what I made him feel three years back.”

“May be you should meet him.” Suggested tshomo

“I don’t want to meet his wife”

But then I think I was out of mind because I did go to that restaurant next day.

 He was already waiting for me when I entered the restaurant. It was such a relief to see that that woman wasn’t around. He assured me to a sit and I sat there like an employee appearing for the interview. We sat there for couple of minutes without exchanging any words. I wanted him to forgive me for what I have done and so I asked for the forgiveness.

“May be I can forgive you but only on one condition. “He said

Meet his wife I thought

“What is that…?”

“You should marry me.”

I sat there perplexed and looked around. Am I dreaming?  But how can he be so real if its dream.

Then suddenly that woman face appeared in my mind.

“But you are already married!”

“You knocked on the wrong door, that was not my house. I didn’t marry  and I called because I really wanted to know how you felt about me before I move on”

And he smiled and suddenly the room temperature seemed to have risen up. He held my hand and said “is that no or what?”

I won’t have said no in the millions of years…