Thursday, February 11, 2016

Longest break

It has been very long time since I have last updated my blog. I do have bunch of excuses that are not valid. May be I am good at giving excuses only. Blog has been my only platform where I dump my emotional bull shit. The only reason I created my blog. It has been my savior when I was overwhelmed with emotions. The only time I wrote something was when I felt strongly about something.

I wrote my last post after getting back from Riga.  Thinking about my days in Riga still makes me smile. Most people feel happy when they go back to their home after being away. But It was opposite for me. As the day to leave Riga was approaching, I felt bit sad thinking that this beautiful part of my life will never come back again. There were other things waiting for me at home but I really wanted to hold on to what I had at that time. But then those beautiful days eventually ended and I was back home.

My twenty days summer break at home ended very quickly and I was back to CST. Before I left to Riga only, I knew that I will lose a year but then I would say it was a like a paid vacation; a year gained to experience some beautiful journey and happy times. Even though I was prepared to face the reality, somehow I searched for familiar faces in the college campus. I won’t say that there weren’t one but the faces I searched have already graduated. At that time only I knew how attached I have grown to my BE Civil engineering batch of 2011. I felt like how I had felt when I joined college in first year. That time only I realize that it is those people whom we spend our times with that matter than the surrounding. Everything was same in CST; yet everything was different.  I wished if only I have graduated with them but then a year away was also important for me.

The usual routine of college started and I got pretty busy with project, assignment, term test. Like before I again lost weight.  The only thing I am capable of when I am in CST.  So I have-not done anything interesting nor do I have anything interesting to share but time does fly so fast.  It is my final semester and I hope it goes well. And I also hope that I do not take such a long break from blogging.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Out of blue

It was raining heavily as I ran to a restaurant for a shelter. I have forgotten to take my umbrella as usual even though my wife reminded about it several times. As I walked inside the restaurant I came across a familiar face. Both of us looked at each other surprised. She grinned at me and we hugged each other. It has been a very long time since we last met. We studied in the same college and I had a crush on her for a very long time. I could not approach her nor did she show me any sign other than friendship. I knew I was friend zoned and there was not any way out. We drifted apart after college. But something unexpected happened on the night of our graduation. As I was packing my stuff she called me and told me that she wanted to meet me. We went on a friendly walk. There was not anything romantic about it as she kept on talking about the employment opportunities. In the middle of the conversation she started teasing me with a girl; a remorse she has heard from her friends about my relation with that unknown girl. I was bit pissed off with her as she kept on teasing me with that girl when all I wanted was to tell her how I feel about her. I told her that I was not interested in any unknown girl she was teasing me and I prefer only friendship just like the kind of friendship I have with her. She didn’t say anything; she just laughed and said that was the best thing. So that’s it, nothing romantic and we drifter apart.

took sit beside her as she ordered coffee for me. It was like the old time, how we use to eat in canteen with our limited pocket money. We talked about everything from job to spouse to kids. Then she said that she wanted to ask me something. She called it an old story. She asked me whether I felt anything for her during our college days. I laughed thinking how stupid those feelings were and told her that I did have crush on her. She also laughed and said some of her friends told her about his feelings. So it seems like no secret is ever kept secret. And it reminded me about that night. It stuck my mind that she actually wanted me to confess to her that night or may be propose if I am not mistaken. When I asked her she laughed and said that I did confess.

When I walked home that day after meeting her I wondered how my life would have been if I have actually told her. There were lots of questions and what if stuff in mind. At the end I thought if I was meant to be with her I would have been. Believe it or not at the end of day it is all about fate.  May be I don’t have any other excuses or anything to blame but fate. But as I saw my wife half way to my house with an umbrella, what if evaporated from my mind and I knew why sometime things are better of the way they are.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Hardest answer

There is a part of her that is dark
Beneath that calm soul demon lurks
Often wondered why demon dwells inside her
But for so long she hasn’t received the answer
She heard people calling her calm person
Yet she reminded them of having darker side
They laughed in disbelief
She smiled knowing that it is also one of her side
Not many see her darker side
 With time she knew about the demon within
The envious demon makes its appearance
Whenever she becomes closer to someone
Her demon hurts only people she care
Often making them scared of her
And she heard them telling her that too
She wondered will anyone stand by her side with demon inside
Her only answer was may be only insane will
She searched for solution to kill the demons inside
Then only did she get the hardest answer
To stay away from the one she cares
But she wont let it win not this time




Thursday, May 28, 2015

Uniqueness

Some years ago (high school) I listened to some talks by some well known people but it seems I was not that mature enough to grasp what they said. We were asked to sit in the multi-purpose hall. We were excited not to listen to the talks but to escape from the social work (SUPW) and the scorching sun. I don’t remember what speaker told us exactly because most of the time I was sleeping with my head on friend’s back while she shielded me from the view of teachers and the speaker. Somehow in the middle of the talk I heard the speaker telling us again and again  that our country Bhutan do not have anything such as powerful weapon, wealth or population that would define who we are. But what we have is something unique that none other has and that is our culture and tradition. Our unique culture and tradition define who we are. Well seriously speaking I didn’t know what he was actually talking about. And it didn’t even bother me to ponder over the things he said. As soon as the talk came to an end, I hurried to catch my bus.

Now when I think about it, I have the guilt of not appreciating what we have. I remember often thinking about the structures which has more or less same design.  I even remember telling my friends that design of almost all building are so monotonous. Why can’t we build or come up with the design like that of foreign countries. I always have this craving to see unique structure or anything that is different. I even use to narrate the jokes I heard. I think most people know about it but I do not know whether it is true or not. A tourist once asked “isn’t there any architecture in Bhutan?” Well I am sorry if it is not true or if it turned out to be offensive. And other non-stop talks about how important it is to preserve our culture, our religion, traditional dress and so many.  I don’t know but I didn’t even bother to think about it. It is not that I didn’t care at all; I follow the rules like having to wear our national dress when going to monastery or to schools or classes. I have been a good follower when it comes to rules and regulation but it was not out of my genuine concern. I am Buddhist by religion and it is a shame on my part when I cannot tell our core values of our religion when someone ask about it. I do have a vague idea of how our religion is but if someone asks me for details, I do not have it.  That is when I feel guilty or ashamed of being ignorant.

It is true that we do not have anything proud to talk about other than our unique culture and tradition, at least from my point of view. And the surprising thing is when other people know more about our country than we do. It now makes sense why foreigners appreciate our preserved culture and tradition.It also makes sense why we donot create structural design like that of foreign countries. one of my architect friends said while i was blindly criticizing about design , it is a challenge to keep our architecture alive while incorporating modern facilty. i think little knowledge is indeed very dangerous (reminder to myself)  Uniqueness defines who we are. When I see something different or something new it’s refreshing. Reflecting back, I feel happy and proud now that our elders and those who knew about the essence of our uniqueness have kept our identity alive. Every individual will have their own perception and I respect that. But for me I have the responsibility to take care of our uniqueness.  In the fast changing modern world we should embrace the changes but at the same time let us not forget who we are.  If we do not take care of the root of what defines us then who would.


Sunday, April 26, 2015

Thank you note

My face book home page is filled with the earthquake news that has brought major destruction in Nepal. As I scroll down the page, I see the images of people killed, structure destroyed, road damaged and a lot more.  Tears wells in my eyes when I think about the people who are undergoing this phase right now.  The death rate is also increasing. When natural disaster like this happens, we become prey to it. There are safety measures’ but lives are still lost .so  we can only hope that such disaster won’t strike again. For all those people who have lost their dear ones, I am very sorry. I pay my deepest condolence and I hope that such hours of darkness gets over soon.

When disaster like this occurs, we are reminded about how fragile our life is and about our impermanence.  We often tend to think more about what has not yet happened than to thank about what we have got so far. One day such things happen and you never got a chance to say thank you to all those wonderful people who has made your journey worthwhile and to live with such regret will be like having a disease without any cure. No one knows when will be the last day of our life. So why not thank now and be good to people in your small way. We need not have to be the remarkable person in others people life and not all will become so important in our life also. But everyone has the role to play and if it has made us who we are today and if we are grateful about it than be thankful. Even those people who made us cry has brought some change  in a positive way than be thankful.

So with this thought I want to thank my family for their unconditional love and support. Despite of so many ups and downs in our life, we have stood strong side by side.  We still have so many miles to go and knowing that you all will be there in my life will always make me happy no matter how hard my life becomes.  If tomorrow something happens I want to let you all know that being your daughter and the sibling has been the best gift of my life. Thank you very much my family. I always think like what I did in my previous generation that I always land up being friends with  wonderful people.  I have met lots of wonderful people and yes some drifted apart but I still have more who are always there when I needed them and I would be there for them also. My friends have always made me happy and yes some do criticize me a lot sometime but that’s the beautiful part of friendship. We need not have to fear of saying what we want to say and they accept us as who we are. So thank you all for your friendship. Yes I did come across people who also made me cry or angry. But then now when I think about it I feel silly for being so immature and I do know that I do have mistake on my part as well. In some way I feel you all made me softer and made me think that not everyone is same and helped me to develop a kind of acceptance nature. Thank you very much for that and I did learn that lesson in a very hard way. And for the special someone who came to my life, thank you very much. I mean every word of thank you. And I want to thank all of people I have met even through facebook, blog or other social media. You all have also been wonderful people. Some inspired me, some encouraged me and some made me happy by going through my blog and some let me read their beautiful articles. Thank you very much. 

Monday, April 13, 2015

Travelling?


I was a lazy person when I was in CST and in some way I still am. All I ever wanted was to keep myself within the four walls of my room and believe me it was not boring.  The assignment, term test, presentation and a lot more was there to keep us fully engaged and I do miss this things. I don’t remember of going out much except the frequent visit to the goenpa below our college. Whenever I go to goenpa my friends would make fun of me and say “are you going for your leejong(exercise) ?“ well I once told them that I was going for leejong  and since then they didn’t leave me alone for using the proper dzongkha word. Actually I really thought of taking a walk to goenpa daily because one of my friends told me that I look weak and fragile and need to do some exercise. But then I could not stick to the schedule and yes I am still weak and fragile. May be one fine day I will seriously carry out my physical exercise. Even when there are holidays for two to three days, I will prefer to stay in college and watch some movie or do something rather than going home because I vomit like twice or thrice before I reach home.  So I guess this lame excuses stopped me from travelling and I thought I was not a travelling kind of person. I even remember telling some of my friends and my roommate from CST who is now in Abertay Dundee was like “I thought you didn’t like travelling” When we talked few days back. 

But then I came to Riga, beautiful and calm city meant for person like me. I don’t like noisy and overcrowded places and Riga does not have any of those things. God did listen to me this time. I did see my seniors travelling when they came for exchange but I never thought I will also travel. I thought of travelling to few places and specially Prague. Ever since I watched the bollywood movie rock star in 2nd year, Prague was stuck in my head and I didn’t know how and when but unknowingly I did wish to visit this place. I am very bad in geography and all those time I thought Prague was in Germany. Well sometime I can be so ignorant. So when one of my classmates in RTU told me that he is from Czech Republic, I was like where is this place. I had a very good laugh later on when I knew that Prague was the capital of Czech Republic.

So if you have the Schengen visa and very good monthly stipend (for exchange stipend is very good), you just cannot stop travelling. Even if you have thought initially to save some money, the idea evaporates when you know that may be travelling to the other places and countries in Europe may be once in a life time opportunity and the travelling list goes on. The roads are straight so I don’t vomit even if I travel in bus or train, another plus point for me. And I really started to appreciate those engineers who have constructed roads in Bhutan which is filled with mountains. It must have been so challenging.  Only two and half months left and another trips on its way and then I will be back home.  I know that one day when I look back and think of my days in Europe, it will always bring a smile on my face and  may be  will feel bit nostalgic. May be for a short period of time, my dream to study outside, learn about their education system was fulfilled.   Somehow I feel that it is not that we Bhutanese are not capable, it is just that we do not have those facility at our disposal to do things we wanted to do. But then rather than complaining we have to make use of what we have. For this wonderful opportunity I will always be thankful to both the home and Host University and the project in particular.
p.s few pictures from places I visited during easter holiday.
View from Astronomical tower ,Prague,Czech Republic

Charles Bridge, Prague, Czech Republic

Charles Bridge,Prague Czech Republic

Dancing house,Prague,Czech Republic

Vienna,Austria

Conference room, United nation office in Vienna, Austria

Vienna city hall

Schonbrunn Palace, Vienna, Austria

Budapest,Hungary

Budapest,Hungary

Parliament building, Budapest, Hungary

Chain Bridge,Budapest, Hungary

Buda Castel, Budapest,Hungary

Museum Wojska, Warsaw,Poland

Stadion Narodowy, Warsaw,Poland

Old town, Warsaw,Poland

Old town, Warsaw, Poland

Warsaw,Poland

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

The confession

 As i stare at nothingness in front of me, a feeling of emptiness started to crawl into my soul longing for someone whom I have not met for years. It is not the first time I have felt those emptiness but every time I feel, I fall victim to it. I could not do anything to erase those feelings. May be sometime it is better to let the time heal. But I know that it will take a very long time since I have problem of letting go. Or maybe I never let anyone go.  Will he forgive me if I go back to that place?  The question lingers in my mind. I stare at his photo in one of social network and wondered why after all this years he called me and suddenly told me that he is getting married. Is it because there is still hope for us to get together or is it something else. I shut down my lap top and tried to drive his thought away, but the harder I tried the longer it persisted.
I took the first flight next day and by afternoon I was back to where it all started.
 I met my friend Tshomo who as soon as she saw me blurted out questions.
”So did you marry?”
I did not find a perfect man, someone who deserves me.” I said somewhat in a joking manner.
“No one deserves you and there is not anyone. All the good man are married and left one are either widow or divorced one.” she said sadly.
“I should go for one of them then what you think?”
“Yes you should!!” she encouraged me.
Marriages and love was something which I have been running away from. These feelings gave nothing but the feeling of sadness and pain. And I knew better than anyone that I cannot endure such pain.
“By the way would you mind to tell me what actually happened between you and Phuntsho way back in college?” she questioned me.
Phuntsho was a guy whom I have known just for few months and before I knew what I was actually doing; I knew that I was somehow drawn to him and I didn’t want it to happen. I felt insecure about the whole lot feeling stuff.
“You already know the answer.”
“I know but I think; now that I have missed something.”
“You did not miss anything tshomo. “
“You swear?”
She put me in an absurd situation. And I did not know what to say because I did not want to tell her that I have been selfish all along.
“I don’t and forget about it now. As you know …”she cut me off of what I was going to tell her.
“Just tell me in detail.”She said sternly.
“Ok Phuntsho and I were just friends but I somehow knew  that things will never work out between us I mean more than friendship.”
“But you two liked each other right?”
“I cannot say that I liked him. I was never sure of how I felt for him.”
“You were sure and that is why you did that thing. You were scared to confess your feelings because you cared about your image more than anything else.” She blurted out.
It took me a couple of minute to absorb the things and I knew that she was partially right.
 “May be you are right but more than image I cared about my education, a simple thing.”
“Or if you put it other way  why don’t you say that you were scared to fall for him since you never trusted a guy before and it was just to get away from him. “She ejaculated.
“I know you are right more than anything I was scared of falling for him, marrying him because these things seemed not necessary that time.  I was also scared to deny the fact that I actually like him but I neglected it because I had seen enough of broken loves, marriages and families just like mine and I didn’t want to be one of the victim.”
“Why don’t you get it that it will not be same for everyone.”
“Yes I do tshomo but only for those few lucky ones just few not all.”
“Then ok why did you come back?”
I had hard time answering her and finally I said “I don’t know…..”
She didn’t say anything and after some time l left home. I shuffled through my old drawer and found his greeting card for our friend ship day. I stared at the greeting card and thought isn’t there nothing more than friendship between us but the answer was obvious there wasn’t anything more than friendship at least from his side. Or am I wrong?
It was July, three years back.  I called him and told him that I wanted to meet him and he agreed. I waited for him in one of the restaurant and he came. He grinned when he saw me and I smiled back.
 He congratulated on my graduation and asked me whether I was appearing for the RCSC exam or joining project and he suggested me that I should join the corporation where he was working.
“If you join we can be neighbor and as said before I will come to your place for dinner.” he said laughing.
“But I am a bad cook and I guess it will be other way round.”I said.
“Does not matter as long as you are near me I will do whatever that makes you happy.” 
I didn’t say anything I just smiled and after taking a deep breath I said”I am leaving for masters.”
He gave a hearty laugh and said” are you pulling my leg? Why so early?”
“ I just want to study for few more years.”
His face grew somber and I knew that he wasn’t happy. He looked away and didn’t face me and said” you are so unpredictable and any ways congratulation. I am happy for you.”
“I wanted to tell you earlier but I didn’t have the guts and now I have no other option but tell you and I hope you understand. You are my friend.”I sounded like a little kid that time.
“Yangchen you never understood me. Why don’t you understand that there is more than….” After saying that he trailed off
I knew what he wanted to tell but I ignored what I knew and felt because nothing seem important than my education that time.
I left after few days to pursue my education. He neither called me nor emailed me. I knew that like any other boy he would also forget me eventually. And I felt that I have done the right thing because true love does not exist in real world. And no one will have the patience to wait for someone for 3 years.
Every day I would check my email just to see whether he had replied my email but he did not and I felt that I was wrong all the way. He never did feel what I felt for him. I stopped sending him mails after that and never had I heard from him until few days back in college. I was going to apply for a job in states itself and when I heard his voice that day I wanted to see him for the very last time. He called me to tell me that he was getting married.
I searched for his present address and went to his place the next day. I knocked on the door since the door bell wasn’t working properly. I tried again and a woman opened the door. Is he married? I heard my inner voice. The woman stared at me.
I gathered my guts and asked her “is this Phuntsho’s place?”
At that time Phuntsho appeared from the corridor carrying a laptop bag. He looked at me surprised. I didn’t know what to do.
“Can I talk with you?”I finally asked.
He did not say anything and I left the place. He followed me and we went to a quiet place.
“I am sorry for appearing all of a sudden. It is insane and absurd of me. I just hope your wife won’t scold you later on.”
He did not say anything and the awkwardness seemed to deepen between us.
“How have you been?”I asked.
“Why did you come back?” he asked me back.
“I wanted to see you I mean it is absurd but when you told me that you are going to marry, I felt like I was losing something important. And I didn’t want it to lose but it seems like I have already lost.”I ejaculated.
“I guess I have to go and let us meet tomorrow evening same time and same restaurant.” after saying that he left.
I sat there like an idiot; I didn’t know what to say because I was so confused. But before I could ask him he left. Same restaurant and same time what is he talking about.  I was back home and I called my friend tshomo to discuss what Phuntsho was actually talking about. I realized that he wanted to meet me in the same restaurant where I told him about my departure.
“That means he is going to introduce me to his wife and make me feel what I made him feel three years back.”
“May be you should meet him.” Suggested tshomo
“I don’t want to meet his wife”
But then I think I was out of mind because I did go to that restaurant next day.
 He was already waiting for me when I entered the restaurant. It was such a relief to see that that woman wasn’t around. He assured me to a sit and I sat there like an employee appearing for the interview. We sat there for couple of minutes without exchanging any words. I wanted him to forgive me for what I have done and so I asked for the forgiveness.
“May be I can forgive you but only on one condition. “He said
Meet his wife I thought
“What is that…?”
“You should marry me.”
I sat there perplexed and looked around. Am I dreaming?  But how can he be so real if its dream.
Then suddenly that woman face appeared in my mind.
“But you are already married!”
“You knocked on the wrong door, that was not my house. I didn’t marry  and I called because I really wanted to know how you felt about me before I move on”
And he smiled and suddenly the room temperature seemed to have risen up. He held my hand and said “is that no or what?”
I won’t have said no in the millions of years…