Bloated up with emotions

What do you usually do when your emotion bloats up like it is going to burst out from your chest?

Different people have different ways of dealing with it.  For me I usually get knocked down by my emotions. When the emotions are at its peak, I talk very less. I will be sitting on my bed trying to think, the reasons of me being so emotional. If I find a reason I try to put myself in their shoes and think that what they did may not be intentionally, that everyone is fighting their own battle, that not everyone is perfect. I try to reason out so many things both realistic and unrealistic and when I am contend with my reasons the emotions slowly slips away.

Sometimes the reason just doesn't pops out of my mind. At that time I really find it hard to deal with it and I start calling my best friends who are miles away from me yet always there for me whenever I need them. I starts complaining about my pathetic life and the situations and they try to console me and believe me at the end of conversation or chat those emotions would have walked the way out of me.  The other way is I scribble down everything that I feel or tell the actual person who are the reasons of my emotional fluctuation.  I believe that not everyone knows what we are going through, letting them know is the only choice to resolve things but believe me I find it really hard to do this way and I do this only when I have no other options.

However there comes a time when I have to deal with the situation alone.  When there are millions of thought revolving around my head yet no word to give justice to how I am actually feeling. When I have to deal with myself, when the source of emotions bloating up within me is only because of me, when my mind knows everything yet I am scared to accept what my mind knows. When the outside world is so perfect be it friends or family, their  love and care showering on me to make me feel on top of the world yet a feeling of emptiness within me. At that time I try to sleep when the load circled around my chest is so heavy that if I stand a bit longer I will collapse then and there. But when thought are million sleep usually becomes expensive and that is when the emotions try to get out of me in the form of tears.

I think that we do not have method or ways to stop our self from undergoing emotional ups and downs but we can deal with it in various ways.  While we are dealing with emotions because of so many reasons  first thing I feel is that it should not hamper other peoples' life, that we should not make use of someone who are not the reason of emotional fluctuation to show your frustration to other people. (Probably known as showoff in order to let the other people feel that you are better off without them). If we are hurting someone or showing off to someone who was once upon a time very special person in our life, I believe that our feeling towards them was never sincere. We do not get everything that we desire; ups and downs are the part and parcel of life. We have to accept things and let go past. We have to feel happy that once they were a part of our life. Everyone is fighting their own battle as I mentioned above, so if we can’t help them at least we should not make their life worse by showing frustration and all.  Dealing with the emotion in positive manner is the only way to make our life better. I do not know how positive is my way of dealing with emotion but believe me it worked out for me till now and I hope it would continue to do so.

Slowly and gradually

Slowly and gradually I will leave your side

Like you want me to be

Slowly and gradually I will keep distance from you

Like you expect me to be

Slowly and gradually I will move on

Like you want me to be

Sorry for bothering you a lot lately

Because I find it harder dear

Harder than I thought to stay away from you

The thought of cutting contact with you

Pricks me and I find it harder to deal with it

The thought of not seeing you scares me

The thought of not knowing how you doing

Pushes me into the world of questionnaire

Sorry dear but I shall try

Slowly and gradually I will go away

Slowly and gradually it will be like I was never a part of your life

Till then bear with me dear

Slowly and gradually i will become invisible to you

The forbidden path

She sought solace in the land of confusion and worry

The bitterness surrounding her

The core principle to remain independent .

The harshness of the world has implanted wound

Deep down beyond the power of healing.

She neither craved for the happiness nor acknowledged beauty that tries to embrace her

Engraved in the pool of sadness and hatred

Torn apart by the shattered dream, unrequited love, broken family.

Will she ever get out the of the cruel cage.

The time passes by but she remained chained by the unknown sadness.

There is neither summer nor spring for her.

Every changing weather brought more confusion and sadness.

Will she ever smell that fragrance of happiness.

A stranger passes her and for a very first time she tries to give herself another chance.

The question of confusion and doubt surrounding her she did what she never did before.

But that was also a fair weather beauty enveloped with lies,betrayal and disappointment

She steps backward from that forbidden path never to step back again.

Her scream of sadness remains unheard

Slowly she dies inside….

The emptiness

Walking down the lonely lane

Memory flashes like a movie

Walking side by side under the crimson sky

Laughing at the silly joke

Making fun of each other

Holding hand like the happy lover

She smiles through the tears

 Happy moment of yesterday gone

Confronted with the ugly truth

Lack of understanding, compromises

Hurting each other for the reason unknown

Wept silently scared to wake the world around

Lying awake under the dim light

Trying to understand what had gone wrong

Thinking  to be happy without him

Whispers to the almighty above

To teach her to be happy without him

The solitary night

With the colorful dim light and the sound of rock song filling the air of the discotheque one could be so lost in the moment of enjoyment. The music was new and full of rhythm. One would not withstand to sit there listening to that music. The music feels the nerve with the unknown move and if the heart were young the music would make its way to the lips till it drags the fellow young heart to the dance floor. Such was the scenario of that night. But amidst the crazy crowd lost in the moment I was enjoying  not the music but the torture  personality of a weird woman.

I was sitting near the counter taking my drinks when a lady in mid-twenties sat beside me. She just sat there abruptly and asked the bartender to prepare the hardest drink. I thought…girl hanging out at night what a disgrace to her family.

When the bartender offered the drink she asked the bartender weather it would ease the pain she was going through. I was irritated with her. What kind of women is she..Must have fought with her husband I thought bitterly.

“Madam you can try but I am not sure whether it would ease the pain or not” The bartender replied.

“oh ok does not matter…thank you “she said.

She took a sip and showed a funny bitter expression. I looked around for her friends. But there was none. She took another sip with much harder and bitter expression. Is she drinking for the first time I thougt… then she took another one and to my utter surprise she kept on drinking.  She took deep breath and whenever she asked for another glass she rested her head on her palm as if she was unable to bear the things that was going on in her life. She drank a lot that  after sometime she could hardly raise the glass. I was angry with the bartender. Just because one pays for drinks does not mean that they keep on serving even if the customer loses her balance I thought and I blurted out.

“can’t you see that she is out of control. Stop giving her the drinks. “I scolded the bartender.

She looked at me and tried hard to smile. She gave a half smile and said ”hey man mind your own business and let me drink. I can only drink today because this pain inside me is trying to burst and I can’t find another way to get rid of it. Its hurts ….it hurts pretty badly.” She said with rueful face.

“but lady you drank enough and it would be insecure for you if you drink more.” I said. Why am I caring about this drunk woman I thought.

“insecure…“she laughed” thank you for the concern…but let me drink, today is my wedding…..i should be celebrating” at that moment the glass fell on the floor and broke. It did not drag any one’s attention since it was overcome by the loud music.

She laughed again but there was intense sadness in her eyes. The eyes which was trying to communicate so much and I wondered what had happened to the stranger sitting next to me.

“See even the glass does not want to stay with me….”she said with a sarcastic smile.

I was about to pick up the broken pieces of glass when she stopped me and said” don’t touch those glasses it will hurt you….”after saying that she pushed me away. And then she stared at the broken glass and laughed again “I am sorry glass it hurts right but I am there for you I will pick you up ok ….” And she started to pick it up. I quickly pushed her away but it was late. It has cut her hand and it was bleeding enormously.  I don’t know what had gone into my mind but the next moment I picked up this stranger and took her outside.  I searched her hand bag and found her hanky. But she didn’t allow me to wrap her wound.

“Let it bleed, the pain will go away with it …”she pleaded.

“You are drunk and you are out of your mind lady and it would be better if you listen to me right now. Stop fussing over the things that happened. What happened is happened you cannot change it.” I blurted out. I didn’t know that I was so angry. I forcefully wrapped the hanky and I wanted to get away from this sick women very badly. I searched for the taxi because I didn’t want to drop this drunk lady in my car but the luck must have run out of me that day. There wasn’t any. I was searching for a vehicle when someone familiar appeared in front of me. it was my friend sangay. She looked at me and smiled but as soon as she saw that strange women her face got clouded. She ran towards her and looked at me said” what happen to her? Did she cut herself? Is she badly wounded? We need to take her to the hospital. Tashi  help me to carry her…” I stood there perplexed and thought what is her relationship with this drunk woman?

“tashi  be quick...”she pleaded. The women hugged sangay and said” you will never leave me right sangay. Tell me that you will be always there for me please tell me…lets go and celebrate my wedding sangay…like we have planned”

I had to drive my car and put her in the back seat with sangay and drove to hospital. The strange women slept peacefully on sangay’s lap. This sick women spoiled my day I thought. But I was happy that I met my college friend sangay after such a long period of time. That strange woman slept peacefully after inserting sleeping injection.

“Who is she? “I asked sangay.

“she is my best friend wangmo. ”

“oh the writer?”

“yeah…”

“but she looked different and they way she drank the liquor…its was scary..”

“I feel sad. I wonder when her pain will go away. She loves a boy and she won’t even look for other boy. It was like she was going to love him forever. So we friends told that boy about her feeling. He felt sorry for her and he liked her.   And so they use to go out and I don’t know but I guess he liked her and then they were planning to marry. But then his former girlfriend appeared from nowhere and then everything was gone. That rascal told wangmo that he still loves his ex-girlfriend. And so ….she loved him a lot  but  he won’t give a damn shit to her feeling. I feel bad thinking about it. If we have not told him this won’t have happened. I saw wangmo devastated for the very first time. She won’t even show her pain. Today was supposed to be their marriage day.”

I felt sad for the women but not everyone marries the person they love I thought.

For few days I could not stop thinking about that drunk woman and somehow I wanted to meet her. May be I feel too sorry for her. So I made a trip round her office.. She was in her office. As soon as she saw me she stood up and greeted me.

“hello tashi. Thank you very much for last time. I don’t know what had happened to me.”

“won’t you allow me to sit also ?”I teased her.

“oh I forgot  sorry for that …” she assured me to sit.  Just like sangay said she was good at hiding her pain.

“you were very sad that night. Sorry for what had happened.”

She was silent for a while and after sometime she said” we can’t hold back what was never ours right.”

At that time someone knocked on her office door and a man appeared. Her face beamed as soon as she saw him. He hugged her and thanked her.

“wangmo thank you so much. And if you weren’t there she would never know how much I love her.” after saying that he handed her a card. She smiled but didn’t say anything and that man left saying he had some urgent work to do. She stared at the card and looked at me and said ”they are getting married?”

“is he the boy that you liked?”

She nodded. I was so confused “but what is he talking about?”

She looked away and said” he liked me but only out of sympathy. He loves that girl a lot may be more than I love him. He was trying really hard to make me happy. But for how long am I going to hold him. So I told that girl about him.  And they met again and I was right they still love each other. I was happy for him but I was also sad. So that’s why I drank that day because wedding stuff won’t get out of my mind” She said without facing me.

I stared at that stranger standing before me amazed and I knew that I will hold on to her as long as the sun rises with me.

The encounter….

She spoke softly and diligently trying to grasp the attention of the audience. I heard nothing, I was captured by her thoughts…and the word came shouting at me as if it was yesterday I will never see you again…but why did we meet again I thought. Is this some kind of coincidence or does god wants us to meet. I didn’t know that she had completed her presentation and the audience applauded. She took her file and walked out of the stage.  My eyes followed her till the door and she disappeared.  My unconscious mind told me to walk to her and talk with her. But I was scared or maybe I was nervous. I could not figure out. After sometime we parted for lunch and my wearing eyes searched for her. She was with her friend looking grim as ever. I don’t know what had happened to me but I saw myself walking towards her. Shestared at me giving me kind of alarmed expression. After a while she smiled or was she trying to smile.

“Can I join you? “I asked.

She looked around trying to avoid me but her friends assured me that I can join them. Her friend excused herself and I knew they have talked about us I mean me.

“how are you dechen?” I tried to sound normal.

She looked at me and smiled again and said “I am good and nice spectacles .”

“My vision is not that good now. “I said.

“I guess you are aging then…”she said

Both of us sat there silently for a while letting our heart to do the talking. It has been 7 years since we last saw each other.

“How have you been?” I blurted out.

“I am good namdrel and I hope you are absolutely happy” she ejaculated.

She stared at her hands something that she does whenever she is nervous. After sometime she took a glance at her watch and said” I need to go namdrel. See you next time”.  after saying that she walked away. I stared at her disappearing from my sight. I wanted to tell her that there had never been a time when I have not missed her. When all I wanted to do was to go and tell her or may be shout at her that I love her but I knew that I didn’t deserve her but now I am changed.  People have been saying that I have become better that I have improved a lot. Today I am the manager of my own company and I own good amount of wealth. I deserve her now I thought but what if she is already married ….fear surrounded me. Somehow I assured myself that she is still single…….

She walked in front of the class room with book staked in her hand.

“Go and help her if you want to grab her attention.” My friend phuntsho whispered at me.

“ I am nervous what if she gets pissed off with me.”I murmured.

“if you don’t  tell her then I will ”phuntsho ejaculated.

And he shouted at her”hey dechen namdrel wants to tell you something.”

She halted where she was standing and looked at me and she grinned and said

“I won’t write the report today namdrel. You have to write” after saying that she stalked away.

She had thought that I would ask her to write the report for our group work. It was my turn to write that day.  People use to tease us a lot in our group and she use to get annoyed. Sometime she would plead them to stop teasing us but they would just increase the intensity of teasing. One day when we were doing our practical, I don’t know what had happened to me but somehow I must have stared at her because phuntsho said “hey dechen look at namdrel sometime, he can’t take his eyes of you.”

She grinned and said” phuntsho seriously stop it please stops teasing us and namdrel sorry he is just out of his mind.”

I grinned back at her. I could not say anything.

“Look dechen he smiles a lot whenever we talk about you so don’t you think he feels something for you. ”Phuntsho added.

“Stop it phuntsho I will get out of here before you gets into my nerves.” She started walking towards the exit door.I didn’t know what to do I thought she was angry and I followed her.

“hey dechen I am sorry if….” And then before I could continue phuntsho interrupted “seriously you two look perfect together…” phuntsho shouted from back. Thank god there wasn’t any tutor that time.

“stop it phuntsho “I yelled at him. She looked at me taken aback.

I didn’t know what had happened to me…

“I am sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“but what did you do it was just teasing and nothing I don’t get hurt that easily and I walked away because I have to submit this report.” She showed me the file.

“oh ok I thought ….”

“what did you think …”

“nothing…”

“nothing means something…”

“I mean not nothing I mean I like you. “I blurted out finally.

She stared at me intensely her gaze penetrating me thoroughly and she grinned at me again and walked away. We were happy together and I liked her company.  The more I liked her more afraid I became. She was one of the toppers, sincere and good girl. Whereas I belong to the bad guy group. I smoke,  I drink, I also sniff and there was not anything that I don’t do. Irrespective of my bad quality she liked me and use to advise me.

I was strolling down to the shop when I saw her with her friends. They were walking to the mph hall. From back side I heard two girls talking most probably the juniors

“ashem dechen deserves someone better  than her boy friend and on top of that he also takes substance abuse and he is also a play boy.” The words pricked me and I could not tolerate. I walked back to my room comparing myself with others and I felt I lack a lot. I don’t deserve her I thought. I am just ruining her life…

At that time someone knocked on my door. When I opened it she was standing before me. She grinned at me. I ignored her.

“what happen namdrel?”

“nothing just leave me alone.”

“well I thought of discussing about our project ….”

I could not control my anger” go and discuss with someone better than me. Just leave me alone for god sake.”

“but what happen what is the problem?”

“My problem is you. My life was perfect before you came into my life. I need not have to compare myself with others and there was no good and bad. Everything was perfect and then you walked into my life and I started feeling insecure. I have to pretend to be good even if I am not and I can’t do things that I do always. Why do I have to compromise? I want my old life back. I can’t be with you anymore so just leave me alone.” I cried.

She took deep breath and said” ok if that is what you want …if I am the source of your unhappiness I will make sure that I am out of your sight . You hurt me a lot namdrel…I will never see you again.” after saying that she walked away.

From next day she started avoiding me but I was wrong. I thought that she would get hook up with someone better than me but she didn’t.  I wanted to apologize but I could not.

Days strolled into weeks and weeks into month. We graduated and we never met until today. The workshop was over and I strolled to the parking lot. She was standing near my car playing with her cell phone.

“Are you waiting for someone?” I asked her.

“yes ” after saying that she looked away and started walking away from me.

I heard my inner voice telling me that it’s now or never.

I took quick step and caught her wrist. She halted taken aback. She turned towards, she tried to free herself but I held her tightly.

“I am sorry.” I blurted out finally.

I freed her and she said” you are a good man now namdrel but I don’t feel anything for you now. The namdrel that I once liked is gone and I am not that same dechen. You don’t love someone because he is good or bad. Love happens without reasons.”

“I know that I hurt you and I am sorry. Please give me another chance. Falling in love isn’t that easy and I don’t want to lose you again.”

Tears trickled down her cheeks and she said” thank you but why you took so long, you are too late now even if I want to give that another chance I don’t have it and I am sorry” after saying that she walked away. Later I knew that she had already married.

Was that a beginning?

She cuddled herself in her bed with a laptop resting against her two knees. She closed her eyes fearing what she would hear next. Her roommate slammed the door and went out. In the midst of fear and anxiety her cell phone rang. It was an unknown number. When she picked up her call it was a boy on the other side. She wanted to distract herself from the current situation and so she talked gently. She does not want to hurt anyone not at this moment when she is in need of the prayer the most. The stranger told her that he is from the same college and is final year. Oh he is a senior she thought. 

After telling her that he would tell her who he was later he hung up. Her roommate came back with a frightening expression.

“Is it that bad…I just had weirdest image popping up in my mind now and then. The images are so scary.” she ejaculated.

“She is in emergency room and the doctor is stitching wounds. I guess she is fine.”

Few hours before two of her friend have gone to town in order to buy things for the birthday celebration that was going to take place that night. But on the way back to college they had met with an accident. One of the friends was fine but the other suffered a great deal of injuries on her upper body.

“Oh what a relief thank god. “She murmured.

The stranger on the other side sent messages to her and she didn’t want to act so expensive so she replied back. The stranger wrote her that he likes chatting with her but she didn’t feel the same. She replied when he messaged her. He use to write to her in sharchop language and though her parents were from east she was brought up in west and so she wasn’t that familiar with the language. She could understand what he was writing but replying in sharchop was quite difficult for her so she used to reply in English only.

She got habituated to his messages and when he didn’t message her she wrote him first. They chatted through messages and one day he called her. They talked mostly about studies and hectic schedule and test coming up. The stranger has known who she was and how she was but she didn’t have a vague idea of who he was. And when she asked him about his identity he refused to reveal himself and she told him to reveal himself when he feels comfortable.

One day when she was going to her class she saw a boy staring at her, probably a third year. Her class was on the first floor and the third year class was on the ground floor. She doubted that he was that stranger and later she found out that she was right. He has sent friend request to her in one of the social network and they chatted. She asked whether he was the one sending messages to her but he denied. And after a while only he accepted.  She felt quite secure to chat with him because she observed that he was a descent and simple guy.

When they use to encounter she would look away feeling shy or she use to pretend as if she has not seen him. And in messages she wrote him that she felt embarrassed when she saw him. The chatting and calling each other continued for more than two months but the frequency of calling and messaging reduced. They chatted only after three or four days and called each other only once or twice in weeks. Before he use to call her and write to her first but now she felt that she was always the one writing or calling to him. She ignored what she felt and still wrote to him and called him. She was not a girl who gives up on things easily and she does not want to end up the friendship or was it more than that all of a sudden because of the egoistic nature of both. She tried but the interest from the other side seemed to be ebbing. She had got habituated to his messages that it was hard on her part to stay without sending any messages or calling to him.

One day she made up her mind and deleted his number and all the messages. She put an end to the messages and call and as expected he didn’t call her or messaged her. It was hard on her part but she tried. She use to check her call expecting message from him but he never wrote. She feared to acknowledge what she was feeling for him.

After few days he called her and told her that his mobile was out of order and so he could not contact her. He also told her that he expected at least a call from her and she laughed. I am so stupid she thought.