She spoke softly and diligently trying to grasp the attention of the audience. I heard nothing, I was captured by her thoughts…and the word came shouting at me as if it was yesterday I will never see you again…but why did we meet again I thought. Is this some kind of coincidence or does god wants us to meet. I didn’t know that she had completed her presentation and the audience applauded. She took her file and walked out of the stage. My eyes followed her till the door and she disappeared. My unconscious mind told me to walk to her and talk with her. But I was scared or maybe I was nervous. I could not figure out. After sometime we parted for lunch and my wearing eyes searched for her. She was with her friend looking grim as ever. I don’t know what had happened to me but I saw myself walking towards her. Shestared at me giving me kind of alarmed expression. After a while she smiled or was she trying to smile.
“Can I join you? “I asked.
She looked around trying to avoid me but her friends assured me that I can join them. Her friend excused herself and I knew they have talked about us I mean me.
“how are you dechen?” I tried to sound normal.
She looked at me and smiled again and said “I am good and nice spectacles .”
“My vision is not that good now. “I said.
“I guess you are aging then…”she said
Both of us sat there silently for a while letting our heart to do the talking. It has been 7 years since we last saw each other.
“How have you been?” I blurted out.
“I am good namdrel and I hope you are absolutely happy” she ejaculated.
She stared at her hands something that she does whenever she is nervous. After sometime she took a glance at her watch and said” I need to go namdrel. See you next time”. after saying that she walked away. I stared at her disappearing from my sight. I wanted to tell her that there had never been a time when I have not missed her. When all I wanted to do was to go and tell her or may be shout at her that I love her but I knew that I didn’t deserve her but now I am changed. People have been saying that I have become better that I have improved a lot. Today I am the manager of my own company and I own good amount of wealth. I deserve her now I thought but what if she is already married ….fear surrounded me. Somehow I assured myself that she is still single…….
She walked in front of the class room with book staked in her hand.
“Go and help her if you want to grab her attention.” My friend phuntsho whispered at me.
“ I am nervous what if she gets pissed off with me.”I murmured.
“if you don’t tell her then I will ”phuntsho ejaculated.
And he shouted at her”hey dechen namdrel wants to tell you something.”
She halted where she was standing and looked at me and she grinned and said
“I won’t write the report today namdrel. You have to write” after saying that she stalked away.
She had thought that I would ask her to write the report for our group work. It was my turn to write that day. People use to tease us a lot in our group and she use to get annoyed. Sometime she would plead them to stop teasing us but they would just increase the intensity of teasing. One day when we were doing our practical, I don’t know what had happened to me but somehow I must have stared at her because phuntsho said “hey dechen look at namdrel sometime, he can’t take his eyes of you.”
She grinned and said” phuntsho seriously stop it please stops teasing us and namdrel sorry he is just out of his mind.”
I grinned back at her. I could not say anything.
“Look dechen he smiles a lot whenever we talk about you so don’t you think he feels something for you. ”Phuntsho added.
“Stop it phuntsho I will get out of here before you gets into my nerves.” She started walking towards the exit door.I didn’t know what to do I thought she was angry and I followed her.
“hey dechen I am sorry if….” And then before I could continue phuntsho interrupted “seriously you two look perfect together…” phuntsho shouted from back. Thank god there wasn’t any tutor that time.
“stop it phuntsho “I yelled at him. She looked at me taken aback.
I didn’t know what had happened to me…
“I am sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“but what did you do it was just teasing and nothing I don’t get hurt that easily and I walked away because I have to submit this report.” She showed me the file.
“oh ok I thought ….”
“what did you think …”
“nothing means something…”
“I mean not nothing I mean I like you. “I blurted out finally.
She stared at me intensely her gaze penetrating me thoroughly and she grinned at me again and walked away. We were happy together and I liked her company. The more I liked her more afraid I became. She was one of the toppers, sincere and good girl. Whereas I belong to the bad guy group. I smoke, I drink, I also sniff and there was not anything that I don’t do. Irrespective of my bad quality she liked me and use to advise me.
I was strolling down to the shop when I saw her with her friends. They were walking to the mph hall. From back side I heard two girls talking most probably the juniors
“ashem dechen deserves someone better than her boy friend and on top of that he also takes substance abuse and he is also a play boy.” The words pricked me and I could not tolerate. I walked back to my room comparing myself with others and I felt I lack a lot. I don’t deserve her I thought. I am just ruining her life…
At that time someone knocked on my door. When I opened it she was standing before me. She grinned at me. I ignored her.
“what happen namdrel?”
“nothing just leave me alone.”
“well I thought of discussing about our project ….”
I could not control my anger” go and discuss with someone better than me. Just leave me alone for god sake.”
“but what happen what is the problem?”
“My problem is you. My life was perfect before you came into my life. I need not have to compare myself with others and there was no good and bad. Everything was perfect and then you walked into my life and I started feeling insecure. I have to pretend to be good even if I am not and I can’t do things that I do always. Why do I have to compromise? I want my old life back. I can’t be with you anymore so just leave me alone.” I cried.
She took deep breath and said” ok if that is what you want …if I am the source of your unhappiness I will make sure that I am out of your sight . You hurt me a lot namdrel…I will never see you again.” after saying that she walked away.
From next day she started avoiding me but I was wrong. I thought that she would get hook up with someone better than me but she didn’t. I wanted to apologize but I could not.
Days strolled into weeks and weeks into month. We graduated and we never met until today. The workshop was over and I strolled to the parking lot. She was standing near my car playing with her cell phone.
“Are you waiting for someone?” I asked her.
“yes ” after saying that she looked away and started walking away from me.
I heard my inner voice telling me that it’s now or never.
I took quick step and caught her wrist. She halted taken aback. She turned towards, she tried to free herself but I held her tightly.
“I am sorry.” I blurted out finally.
I freed her and she said” you are a good man now namdrel but I don’t feel anything for you now. The namdrel that I once liked is gone and I am not that same dechen. You don’t love someone because he is good or bad. Love happens without reasons.”
“I know that I hurt you and I am sorry. Please give me another chance. Falling in love isn’t that easy and I don’t want to lose you again.”
Tears trickled down her cheeks and she said” thank you but why you took so long, you are too late now even if I want to give that another chance I don’t have it and I am sorry” after saying that she walked away. Later I knew that she had already married.