Monday, July 14, 2014

fear

There was always something in my life which drew my attention or interest. These things would keep me engaged and helps me to forget things which prick me. Somehow I use to escape from the things which I was not prepared to accept. But not lately, I want to engage myself in some work but there seems to be no interest. No matter how hard I try I land up doing nothing.  I feel lethargic and emptiness crawls inside me. I just sit in my room trying to sleep or trying to read something but I find no joy in it. I never felt like this before. I was either sad or happy or normal but not feeling less. I wonder why?
Since I have one and half month vacation before I leave for my exchange program in Latvia, my mother asked me to give tuition to my friend’s sister. I thought it was the best way to kill my boredom and enthusiastically I agreed. I always wanted to become a teacher and teaching use to give me immense pleasure. I had given tuition before also and I never remember becoming bored in the middle of teaching.  But I don’t know, I use to teach them for three hours in the morning and in the middle i don’t feel like teaching. I ask my students whether they are bored or not. They would tell me that they really understand my teaching and that they want to learn everything before I leave. This should have boosted up my energy in teaching them but I feel worn out and tired. There seems to be no genuine interest and for the first time I felt like I am teaching them just because my mother asked me to teach them. My mother was always concerned about those students appearing for class 10 board examination. If one does not qualify for the government school in 11th grade, parents does not have any choice but to put them in private school.  It is difficult for those parents who are not financially sound.  Giving extra coaching at home sometimes helps the student to qualify for the government school. I just hope I gain back my interest and at least lend a helping hand for my friend’s family in my small way.
I don’t have a reason to be sad or anything to worry about. Due to my weakness my mother does not let me do anything other than daily house hold chores. I am already under medication and every one at home takes care of me as if I am sick. I have just lost weight during my stay in CST due to unavoidable academic pressure and other stress. There is nothing to be worried about yet I feel like something is draining out of me slowly. I don’t feel like talking, I don’t feel like visiting friends or going anywhere.  Even if I go to visit friends I started feeling bored which is so unlike of me. Things which bring joy before; now makes me feel tired and weary. I wonder what is really happening to me. It has been days now and I have started to worry just like everyone at home when they see me in absolute silence or when I retreat myself in my room whole day alone. It is as if like I have given up on the outside world or maybe I am too comfortable in my little world but then why am I fearing?