As I saw him waiting for me in the air port my heart leapt filled with happiness and I wanted to run and hug him but I controlled myself and strolled towards him. We hugged each other but I felt something, unknown feelings of sadness as if it was warning me about something dreadful. Namdrel spoke very little unlike his usual self. He seemed drown in his thought and I wondered what is that thing which is distracting my Namdrel. I thought that it was tension about our marriage which was arranged in the November. Our parents wanted us to marry fast due to so many stupid reasons. Somehow there was an aura of discomfort and I had to drag my word “are you all right namdrel?” I asked him. “Yes why?” he asked me back.
“You look lost, and aren’t you happy that I am back?”
He was silent for a moment and then after a while he cleared his throat and said” I am happy. Why shouldn't I be happy?” But his answer didn't convince me. I wondered what had gone wrong way back home.
But everything was normal at home, both namdrel’s and my parents were waiting for me at home to welcome me…namdrel excused himself saying he had some errand to carry out.
After that day I hardly saw namdrel, he always made excuses whenever I came up with the meeting plan. The load was getting heavier on my inner side. One day I visited him unexpectedly, Aunt Yangchen his mother’s sister greeted me. ”where is namdrel aunt?” I asked.
“He is dreaming about you.” she teased me. “Oh is my darling still sleeping?”I asked.
“Yes your darling sleeps like pig and what are you doing so early in the morning, you two will be married in few weeks and can’t you two stay a day without meeting each other?”She asked me. I was confused; it has been days since I met him. I didn’t know what to say.
“Don’t feel shy you two lovers, can’t imagine that you two are grown up and ready for marriage also. I still imagine those days when I use to see you two dating at the back of our green house. It was quite fun to tease you two.”
“I need to go.”I ejaculated.
“Go go otherwise I have to send him to meet you at your place and he won’t return home on time and I will get scolding from my sister.” she said.
I faked a smile thinking what is she talking about and trotted to namdrel’s room. He was sleeping and he looked peaceful which I have longed to see in a long time. I didn't feel like waking up and as I started to walk out of his room, he called my name and said “what are you doing here?”
“I came to meet you dear because you don’t have time to meet me during day time.” I replied. He said that he was sorry and he looked away. I felt a tinge of sadness but I consoled myself saying that I am thinking all nonsense thought. But somehow I felt like something was wrong. So I gathered my guts and asked him”Namdrel do I need to know something?”
He didn't say anything, all I could hear was his silence screaming at me. I walked back to him and sat beside him. He didn't face me so I held his hand, put my fingers in between and brought it close to my heart. I leaned my head on his shoulder but he sat there like a body whose soul has been long buried. I had millions of questions in my mind but I suppressed it all and said “I trust you dear and I love you.” He looked at me this time with sadness filled in his eyes and then he hugged me tightly. Though I didn't know what was actually going on, tears trickled down my cheeks and both of us wept.
“I am sorry dear.” He said.
“What happen, tell me; I told you that I will always stand by your side no matter what happens and I will. Just tell me. I swear I won’t judge you or make the situation worse.” I said
Then he told everything, I sat there speechless as I was too shocked to absorb everything at once “ She needs me more than you,I hope you would understand.” he said at last.
I took a deep breath and tried to smile, I felt cold suddenly, so much pain with no one to dilute it. I knew that I will cry if I sat there even a second longer so I ran out of the room.
The dream to marry him, to have kids with him, to get older holding his hand and to die having him by my side all shattered down and I knew that life will never be same again.