Monday, April 28, 2014

Within

Cocooning in the shell of life has become an old habit, a habit which I have always enjoyed. I would rather like to listen to someone talking rather than me speaking. At times I feel so frustrated with myself that I have but a very little thing to say. When I meet my friends they would be doing 90 % of the talking stuff and I would be just adding to it. They would stare at me at times and say “you have nothing to say on this matter?”  And I would just grin. I never remember myself talking a lot; I would love to sit at the corner and do my stuff. “You are one hell boring person.” My childhood friend once said. I just grinned when she added again “but I love your presence though you are boring.”
Socializing with people has always been the toughest subject in my life. At times I was accused of being khamza (someone who is full of pride and ego) and I had to run to my house and ask my mother whether I am that person with teary eyes. She would smile and say” you talk very less and that is why they think like that.”  I try to talk with people, I try to socialize but somehow it fails. Even in my face book account I would be offline 90 % because I have nothing to chat about, opening up easily with people has always been the task   unaccomplished and it is only when someone gets closer to me that I can fully open up but it happens very rarely. One day when I was talking with one of my friend he said “did you come here just to stare at me, aren’t you going to say something. I am not going to talk now, you talk.” I was never a speaker and sometime I fail to say even the important thing that I have to say.
So I would write and text it but at times people believe what they hear not what you write. That is when I breakdown and realized my incapability to convince the other person. People find me strong, they would say “you are strong girl, not everyone does like that “but only close ones knows how fragile I am.  Yes I do speak less but I feel equally, I am also a person after all. Many a times I had to say “I am not a human being, I don’t feel any pain.”  I don’t expect all people to understand me but I just wish if the people that I care would dare to understand at least.
Being brought up under the care of parents and sibling and friends where they understand me and even if i speak less they know what i am  doing and thinking somehow. Life has just begun to show its true face, I had been living behind the fa├žade of life and I wonder how many times I have to breakdown to go through this life. I remember saying to mother when I was in my primary days “you should have given birth to me 10 years earlier so that I would be grown up by now.” And I wish I could take those words and say “I wish ama   if you have given birth to me 10 years later because growing up scares me and I am literally shaken. I don’t want to grow up.”  Life brings us with all those things and I believe it is our choice to  filter it. Though I may not be that socializing, thought people accuse me at times of being khamza, I know people who care about me genuinely will never let go off me and I want to thank all those who stood by my side till now. My family and friends thank you very much and i do care and love you all genuinely.