Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The hurricane

Let me weep today
For I have felt the hurricane
Let me mourn today
For I have lost the precious jewel
In the vicinity of the assumption
Did I dwell for such long
Wishing for the brighter day at the end
Believing and trusting with my every ounce
Was I foolish for not have read the signs?
For I could have stopped the hurricane
Now the hurricane has left
Taking my only precious jewel away
I have no choice but to weep
For I have better plans for tomorrow
For I believe everything happens for a reason
So let me weep today only
For I have felt the hurricane.





Monday, February 24, 2014

Loneliness

I stand alone all by myself again
 Not having a single soul to call mine
Trying to console myself with various reasons
Asking what have I done wrong?
I don’t have a shoulder to cry on
I don’t have an ear to listen to me
All those people whom I cared has their own life
I don’t blame them for not being there for me
I curse myself for not being strong enough
I curse myself for expecting a lot from others
Hours goes by drowning me in the pool of sadness
Crippled do I feel to tackle the unknown problems
And all I want to do is just weep.
For I have lost control over my life.







Saturday, February 22, 2014

Last letter


It’s 24th April today, I waited for her where we used to meet every year. The sky was clear and the wind was gently blowing touching me with its tenderness.  I sat on the flat rock looking around admiring the changes it has gone through over the years. Everything has changed, before there was nothing but a landscape filled with bushes and other vegetation. Now there is a four storey building used as an office for some private firm. I thought that they would have excavated the rock where I used to sit with her talking for hours until it was too late to go home but I was wrong, they have kept the rock exactly the way it was, untouched in its own natural form. I wondered who would be the proprietor of the building who seems to have the attachment with the rock as I was.
24th April 1972
It was the first night of our meeting; she was not comfortable to meet with me where people can see us so the only place I could find was this place which was filled with bushes that time. She has kept her hair untangled looking simple and graceful. Portion of her silky hair shielded her face perfectly hiding the dark mole on her cheek.  She used to laugh when I make fun and she would look at me with that gentle look which would have melted me right away. She claimed that it was one of her best moment; knowing that I was a part of that moment met my heart swell with happiness. We held each other’s hand wishing the moment to last for eternity promising to love forever.
24th April 1977
I waited for him trying to look perfect and happy. As I saw him appearing my heart leapt a bit and I realized that despite of long break up I still love him. He smiled at me and sat near me like usual. He told me that he met a wonderful woman and was going to marry with her. Despite the sadness overwhelming me I wore a mask of pretentious, wishing him every ounce of earthly happiness. He told me that I should come to his marriage because I was his good friend. And I wondered whether I can give justice to that friendship. But I didn’t want to lose him again so I pretended I was happy being his friend. I told him that I was also going out with someone but I wished if it was true.  I waited for these feelings to go away yet it seems to be growing and I wondered why?
24th April 1985
There was construction going on and I was reluctant to meet her because I was busy with my life. But then we promised to meet each other once every year and I wondered what is there between us. She has her own life so do I. But then why do we meet? Somehow meeting each other has become a ritual which neither of us could avoid. She was waiting for me as usual. We talked about the stress in the office, I told her about my kids and she laughed. When I asked about her family she just smiled and said that she has big family and the information about them are over loaded which is why she does not want to share. Like always she is still that girl who could never open up easily to anyone and I thought what is holding her back.
24th October 1995
I waited for him like always. I look forward to this day and it has become like a life supporting agent. He has matured over the years and I teased him about his big belly. He told me that I have become fragile and weak. He told me to go to hospital and I told him that there was nothing and I wondered if it was true. He complained about his wife and told me that she was very possessive. And I laughed as I was reminded about how much possessive I was back then which drove him away from my life forever. I told him that she is possessive because she loves him. Despite the aged physical appearance we have not yet learnt about the value of people around us.
 Today 24th April, 2000
It was becoming dark but she has not yet turn up. I tried to call her but then I realized that only contact I can make is our meeting here which both of us never failed. I waited for her up to 12 midnight but then she was nowhere else to be seen. Feeling frustrated and deserted I left that place promising never to show up again. 
With the pain of betrayal still hanging with me and with sourly mood I was taken aback when I saw an envelope of her familiar handwriting which greeted me on my table.
Dear,
I know you have been waiting for me yesterday. I am sorry that I could not be there for you. I failed you this time. Life has suddenly taken a different route and I was helpless but to follow that route. I tried to contact you but then I realized that you are a family man now, you must be busy with your life and you have better things to worry about. I just want to thank you for all these years for being there on 24th April, it was the only day I look forward and I pass the rest of the year clinging to that memory. Life was beautiful because I always say to myself that happiness is just the state of mind but your presence in my life made it more beautiful. Until we meet each other next time may be in next generation, take care my friend. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.
I later came to know that she has died a month ago in city hospital. She never married anyone, she never had a family. And I wept when I realized that she has kept the promise to love me forever.  She was the building’s proprietor and she had taken over that place all this year so that she could hold on to our memory.



Broken castle


As I saw him waiting for me in the air port my heart leapt filled with happiness and I wanted to run and hug him but I controlled myself and strolled towards him. We hugged each other but I felt something, unknown feelings of sadness as if it was warning me about something dreadful. Namdrel spoke very little unlike his usual self. He seemed drown in his thought and I wondered what is that thing which is distracting my Namdrel. I thought that it was tension about our marriage which was arranged in the November. Our parents wanted us to marry fast due to so many stupid reasons. Somehow there was an aura of discomfort and I had to drag my word “are you all right namdrel?” I asked him. “Yes why?” he asked me back.
“You look lost, and aren’t you happy that I am back?”
He was silent for a moment and then after a while he cleared his throat and said” I am happy. Why shouldn't I be happy?”  But his answer didn't convince me. I wondered what had gone wrong way back home.
But everything was normal at home, both namdrel’s  and my parents were waiting for me at home to welcome me…namdrel excused himself saying he had some errand to carry out.
 After that day I hardly saw namdrel, he always made excuses whenever I came up with the meeting plan. The load was getting heavier on my inner side. One day I visited him unexpectedly, Aunt Yangchen his mother’s sister greeted me. ”where is namdrel aunt?” I asked.
“He is dreaming about you.” she teased me. “Oh is my darling still sleeping?”I asked.
“Yes your darling sleeps like pig and what are you doing so early in the morning, you two will be married in few weeks and can’t you two stay a day without meeting each other?”She asked me. I was confused; it has been days since I met him. I didn’t know what to say.
“Don’t feel shy you two lovers, can’t imagine that you two are grown up and ready for marriage also. I still imagine those days when I use to see you two dating at the back of our green house. It was quite fun to tease you two.”
“I need to go.”I ejaculated.
“Go go otherwise I have to send him to meet you at your place and he won’t return home on time and I will get scolding from my sister.” she said.
I faked a smile thinking what is she talking about and trotted to namdrel’s room. He was sleeping and he looked peaceful which I have longed to see in a long time. I didn't feel like waking up and as I started to walk out of his room, he called my name and said “what are you doing here?”
“I came to meet you dear because you don’t have time to meet me during day time.” I replied. He said that he was sorry and he looked away. I felt a tinge of sadness but I consoled myself saying that I am thinking all nonsense thought. But somehow I felt like something was wrong. So I gathered my guts and asked him”Namdrel do I need to know something?”
He didn't say anything, all I could hear was his silence screaming at me. I walked back to him and sat beside him. He didn't face me so I held his hand, put my fingers in between and brought it close to my heart. I leaned my head on his shoulder but he sat there like a body whose soul has been long buried. I had millions of questions in my mind but I suppressed it all and said “I trust you dear and I love you.” He looked at me this time with sadness filled in his eyes and then he hugged me tightly. Though I didn't know what was actually going on, tears trickled down my cheeks and both of us wept.
“I am sorry dear.” He said.
“What happen, tell me; I told you that I will always stand by your side no matter what happens and I will. Just tell me. I swear I won’t judge you or make the situation worse.” I said

Then he told everything, I sat there speechless as I was too shocked to absorb everything at once “ She needs me more than you,I hope you would understand.” he said at last.
I took a deep breath and tried to smile, I felt cold suddenly, so much pain with no one to dilute it. I knew that I will cry if I sat there even a second longer so I ran out of the room. 
The dream to marry him, to have kids with him, to get older holding his  hand and to die having him by my side all shattered down and I knew that life will never be same again.